(Disney) Princess Life Lessons

By Eudaimonatrix

(apologies for the wonky formatting. Cut & paste fail).

I'm feeling inspired by #safetytipsforladies (which is currently a thing on twitter) and, thanks to a gentle nudge from a fellow Hiver, I've decided to put that inspiration to some use - sharing important life lessons I learned from Disney Princesses.

Disclaimer: To borrow from Feminist Frequency, it's both possible and even necessary to simultaneously enjoy media while pointing out/poking fun at some of its more pressing problems. Disney princesses have their good sides too - but this article isn't about that.

Without further ado, here are the 10 most important things Disney taught me about what it takes to be a proper, successful princess (*cough* little girl). 

10) Sing or be silent - jibber jabber is unbecoming. And for sidekicks.

10: Like this guy.

9) Judge that book by its cover, girl - the prettier the prince, the happier you'll be.  

8) If you have priorities other than a man, you're doing it wrong. Only win the war or stop the murder if it'll net you a husband. Preferably a prince of some sort. 
 

8: Brave, Right? Now put a ring on it, Johnny.

7) Other girls are catty and/or trying to poison you. Confide your troubles in animals instead - you'll get less sass. 
 

Don't take that apple! She's not a cute little woodland creature!

6) No boy will ever notice you without the right dress and shoes. Pink and dainty, respectively. 

5) Why run or ride a horse when you can dance your way to your destination? Just don't try to leave the enchanted forest - especially in those shoes. 
 

Woodland creature? Check. Somewhere to be? Check. Work it!

4) Mansplanations make the best serenades. Let him open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder - and make sure he asks Dad if it's okay for you two to get married. If the men agree, bliss guaranteed. 
 

Don't you dare close your eyes, girl. I'm serious.

3) If he says "he can change" after being an abusive monster, believe him. Nothing bad can come from that kind of optimism! 
 

Nothing says "I love you" like whatever this is...

2) To get the man (which is the most important thing) don't be afraid to relocate, redo your entire personality, and above all, hold your tongue. Dudes dig the silent, compliant type. 
 

Who needs to talk when you have a pink dress?

1) If someone kisses you while you're asleep, you're his property now. Live happily ever after. As chattel.

The end!