Was that a duck?

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.


Pop quiz! If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a __________.

Can you spot the duck?

Yup. Definitely a duck. Look at that perfect example of a duck. I've got my eye on you, duck. 

Uh... yeah. Still a duck. Just, like, with a nose job or something.

Ah, there we go. Back to the definitive duck-action.

Uh... heh. Ok, you got me. It's a goose. But geese are like ducks, so nice try. 

Ye-ah... ok, so it's a swan. Point taken. Still, it could break your arm if you went up to it and called it a duck, so it's up to the swan to differentiate itself from ducks.

Ok, that's just mean. Yes, it's a duck even if it has mobility issues and can't walk quite like other ducks. Geez.

Uh... that's a movie character. It's some dude dressed up as a duck with animatronics and stuff.

Now you're just being sarcastic.

Ok, ok, I get it. Some animals have duck-like qualities and are otherwise totally not duckish at all.

.... you don't have to be rude ....

What the... what end is the...

To break it down for the uninitiated, when talking about issues including sexual violence and victim-blaming, etc, often we hear the aforementioned justification of "if it looks like a duck." Insert for "duck" anything ranging from slut, whore, n*****, f**, etc.

As you can see, it's not even straight-forward to describe a duck. Is it the bill? Is it the feathers? The affinity for water? Are loons ducks? Are geese just a tall and lankey species ducks? Do all ducks quack?

When it comes to women and the label "slut" (as just one possible example), it's even more complicated. Women and girls are frequently labelled sluts for every manner of perceived indiscretion, from the length of their shorts or skirts, amount of skin shown, number of sexual partners they're perceived to have had (real or imagined, really doesn't matter when slut-shaming), how they carry themselves, their profession, their hairstyle, their makeup, their height, their weight, their breastsize, colour of their skin (racism and exoticism of women of colour is a huge factor), who they associate with and family makeup (if one of their friends or family members has been labelled a 'slut', so much easier to label them as such), if they're perceived as flirty (again - reality doesn't matter so much as perception), marital status, etc etc etc.

This isn't hyperbole. This is what women and girls and queer not non-gendery-binary persons experience. Anyone who declares that there is a solid definition of whom can reasonably be labelled with a slur against their sexuality and that the lines aren't easily blurred to envelope whomever the slur-slinger wants to slander, is either blissfully ignorant or a baldfaced liar.

And, even if one happens to fall under the so-broad-as-to-be-meaningless definitions of slut, what then? If you are saying that sluts get treated as such, then you must have some idea as to what that treatment entails. And, here's a hint, it often involves violence.

If you aren't saying that you are sanctioning sexual violence against any one of the myriad of persons who, at one point or another in their lives or the course of a week, could be called a slut, then you really need to think more deeply about your words and their implications. Words matter. Words have meaning. Words can make the difference between supporting survivors of sexual violence or of supporting rapists.

Please think about your words and their implications, because they matter.

Just play by these rules and you'll be fine

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.


Let's play a game, shall we? Let's pretend this is only a game and not relevant to real life and that there really is a way to win.*

Now, in this game, you are a white, able-bodied ciswoman. You have class privilege from growing with up two parents who are not rich but are solidly middle-class and in a healthy, non-abusive family environment. What luck!

Now, in this game, pick one of the two:
You:

1. a) date or have dated people who are not 100% respectful of you.
   b) only date people who are 100% respectful of you at all times.
2. a) have had sexual contact outside of marriage
   b) are saving your viriginity for marriage
3. a) don't have kids
   b) have kids
4. a) are utilizing some form of birth control
   b) are not utilizing any form of birth control
5. a) are conventionally attractive
   b) are not conventionally attractive
6. a) are an atheist or agnostic
   b) practice a particular religion
7. a) are married and your partner makes more money than you do
   b) are married and you make more than your partner does
8. a) imbibe legal and government-regulated intoxicating substances
   b) do not partake of any intoxicating substances
9. a) you're married
   b) you're not married
10. a) you are not constantly thinking about your personal safety
    b) you are hyper-vigilant about your personal safety
11. a) you are knowledgeable about rape myths, and take calculated risks 
    b) you abide by every single "safety tip" just in case

Ok, pencils down! Let's see how you did!

In the interest of full-disclosure, I feel it's only fair to let you know it's all downhill from here.

1. a) Women only date assholes because they like being abused! - minus 5 points!
   b) Why don't you give him a chance? As if you're so perfect. - minus 10 points!
2. a) You've had sex with how many people? You disgusting slut! - minus 20 points!
   b) You're waiting for sex until marriage? What a prude. You're probably a dyke. - minus 8 points!
3. a) You don't have kids because you're focussed on your career? What a sad, empty life you must lead. - minus 50 points!
   b) You don't have a job because you stay at home with the kids? What a waste of potential. - minus B^2 points!
4. a) You use birth control? You must be a slut. - minus (Pi)R ^2 points!
   b) You didn't use birth control? You're such a stupid slut. - minus 100 points!
5. a) You're so beautiful. You could get any guy, so you must be a slut. - minus 150 points!
   b) You're so ugly. You must have to be a slut to get anyone to pay attention to you. - minus 42 points!
6. a) You're an atheist? No wonder you have no morals. - minus 500 points!
   b) You're a (insert religion here)? No wonder you're a mindless sheep. - minus the square root of infinity points!
7. a) Your husband is rich? You must be shallow and just with him for the money. - minus 37 points!
   b) You make more money than your husband? How immasculating. How does he put up with that? - minus 73 points!
8. a) You like to drink booze? You're such a dirty lush. - minus 60proof points!
   b) You're straight-edge? What an uptight bitch. - minus 100 percent points!
9. a) You're married? How were you able to fool him into getting stuck with you? - minus calculus points!
   b) You're not married? You musn't be good enough to get any man to want to stick with you. - minus a googleplex points!
10. a) Don't be so naive and trusting! All men are rapists! - minus uber lots of points!
    b) Why don't you trust men? You must hate them. - minus (GDP of Brazil) points!
11. a) Don't go down dark alleys because you'll get raped! - minus a bazillionty points!
    b) You never take chances. You're timid and pathetic. What do you think's gonna happen? The boogeyman gonna get you? - MINUS ALLLLL THE POINTS!!!!!!1!!1!1!!!ELEVENTY!1!!

And, you lose! Yay! What a fun game! Now, let's play again, only now you're non-caucasian, disabled, LGBTTQQ, poor, etc. You lose even more! Stop playing because your losing is harshing my buzz!!!!!

Now, for something completely different (because I don't wanna play that game any more, either).

*CAUTION! THIS POST MAY HAVE BEEN OVERSATURATED WITH SARCASM!

How to get her to suck *content warning*

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.

This little charmer of a headline was waiting in my Spam mailbox this morning. Rather than see what glorious (read: gross/rapey/triggering) wisdom and/or product they have to offer, I thought I'd take the opportunity to offer my own sage advice.

How to get her to suck:

1. When in her presence, or posting anywhere online where the intended female may view your comments, reinforce gender stereotypes and laud women who do the same, whilst simultaneously complimenting and slut-shaming women you find sexually attractive. Make sure that you put out as many messages as possible, post them all over your Facebook wall, tweet them, blog about them, etc. Make sure she cannot escape reading them.
   
2. Compliment her on "not being like other girls" any time she does something misogynistic. Use it as a compliment of the highest order. Encourage her to prove how much better she is than other women, especially if that means degrading other women in the process.
   
3. Sexually harass her. If she reacts badly, tell her it was a joke. Get other female friends to tell her to lighten up. Keep this up until she accepts the sexual harassment as complimentary, ordinary, and something to look forward to. Encourage her to brow-beat other women who speak out against sexual harassment.
   
4. Tell rape jokes around her. Commend her if she laughs at them. Encourage her to tell some herself. Applaud her for being so "edgy" and "not like typical girls" and "just one of the guys".
   
5. If she has a grudge or grievance with another woman or girl, encourage her to slut-shame them. The other person's sexuality doesn't even need to be remotely connected to the issue. The more acrimonious her slut-shaming, the more you should laugh and cheer her on.
   
6. Have movie nights where you watch sexually violent and degrading movies and make fun of the female characters who are brutalized in these films. If she acts uncomfortable or tries to leave the room, make fun of her, saying "it's only a movie." Make sure she knows her feelings of discomfort are both unwelcome and completely unwarranted.
   
7. Any time she is mildly unhappy or not enthusiastic, accuse her of being on her period. Use her objections as proof of her being visited by her Aunt Flo. If she admits to being on her period, say "I knew it", and make a generalized statements about how menstruation makes women inferior to men. Make sure she laughs at the joke, otherwise it's further evidence of her menstrual moodiness.
   
8. Don't let her do anything for herself. Whether it be changing a tire, changing the channel, updating her computer operating system, or anything other than shopping, cooking, and child-rearing. If she doesn't let you do things for her, accuse her of being an uppity feminist. If she does let you, use it as proof that women can't do these things.
   
9. Always use her as an example of her entire gender when she's doing something wrong/ bad/ weird, etc, and as an exception to the rule any time she does something good/ right/ cool, etc. Make sure she agrees when you point these out. If she doesn't agree, go back to #7.
   
10. Make exaggerated and sexually-charged comments about women in the media who benefit from personal trainers, plastic surgery, and air-brushing. Point out all the flaws in women you see at the grocery store, on the news, online, etc. Make sure to add a few digs here and there about her complexion, figure, hair, and how they don't match Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox. If she remarks on the personal trainers, etc, go back to #7, and/or any of the other tactics.
    
11. Ensure she's never confident in her own opinion. Even if she's 100% right. If she has evidence, say she's misunderstanding your original point, or that her evidence doesn't quite apply exactly to the particular way you've phrased the issue. Correct her at every opportunity. And when she looks to you for validation, point out that she's not confident. 

There. Now, if you go through all of the above steps with the intended woman or girl you were originally posing the question about, she will be one sucky human being. Or, she'll stop returning your calls and completely block you out of her life and devote the rest of her days to feminism and challenging schmucks like you. Really could go either way.

Now, if you are looking to know how to get someone to consent to sexual activity for you, here's a couple pieces of advice:

1. Be a decent human being.
2. Treat them like they're a decent human being.
3. If they expresses interest in you beyond friendship, try kissing them first. If they're not interested in kissing you, then stop. 
4. If they kiss you, ask if they want to go any further. If you're not comfortable verbalizing what you want, stop. If they're not comfortable verbalizing what they want, stop. 
5. Accept that sometimes, no matter how nice or decent or charming or helpful or attractive or rich or funny or brilliant or utterly amazing you are, the person you like won't want to be sexually intimate with you. Or may only want to be sexually intimate with you once. Or in a limited way. It happens. No amount of advice will get you beyond that point, because the other person has a right to not want to be with you for any reason at all, even if they can't or won't verbalize that reason.

This advice may seem counter productive insofar as it won't necessarily "get you laid". That's ok. Sex isn't something you're owed. It's not something your partner is owed. It doesn't have to be in the context of a long-term, monogamous, heterosexual relationship, but it does have to be with enthusiastic consent by everyone involved at all times. 

Consent and respect and very sexy. If the person you're interested in doesn't seem to think so, time to move on, because your boundaries and safety are important, too.

Who's the victim? Co-opting activist language is en vogue.

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.

Who's the boss? Who's the victim? Evidence of a feministicalogical conspiracy
to enslave teh menz? You be the judge...

I'm not the sort of blogger who is able to keep on top of every new topic that comes along. Not least of all because there's so much shit that happens all the time. If this were a full-time job, I'm still not sure I could do it. I'd likely miss deadlines as I cowered under my covers, hugging my teddy bear and softly singing to myself, "It can't rain all the time".

Actually, it probably can.

So, given that I'm not trying to keep up with the minutiea, sitting back and watching from a slight distance provides some clearer perspective on overall trends that I've been noticing (I'm certainly not the only one, as you'll see, because I'm quoting posts from Manboobz.com).

For example, it's interesting (read: ridiculous & depressing) that the term "victim" is being simultaneously misappropriated and maligned by groups and individuals who wouldn't know what it is to be a victim if it came up and slapped them upside the head (which would be ironic, because then they'd be victims of assault). I know that this isn't just something that MRAs do, I just know that I'm more aware of their hijacking of the term because I find it deeply offensive and obnoxious.

They seem to have recognized that people tend to sympathize with "victims". So, in wrenching sympathy from those who deserve and need it (i.e. - people who have been actually victimized), they've adopted a tactic of "Don't sympathize with them! They're chowder heads! Look at us! We've got hangnails because women are teh debbil! We don't like it when people criticize us for being so shitty, so we're going to co-opt their language unironically to excuse and pretty-up our abuse."

One of the more frustrating things about this tactic, is that genuinely nice people who actively work to support survivors of various forms of violence and oppression don't always know how to react to it. When someone states they are being oppressed or victimized, the standard response from good people is to try to support them and work with them to alievate what it is that is affecting them. When it's cis people claiming that the existence and acknowledgment of trans people are oppressing them by "reinforcing negative gender stereotypes by trying to conform to the opposite-sex" (I shit you not, I've seen that argument), good people are often gobsmacked into silence. Like, what do you say to such a bizarre misappropriation of the language of anti-oppression work?

Here are my suggestions for how to deal with people who usurp activist language to justify their bullshit:

1. GIF party - when people are being absurd, sometimes the only logical and sane response is a lolcat

2. MEME party - similar to GIF party, but can also be done without pictures. Eg. - "What is this? I don't even"
3. Short answers, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." - unfortunately, while this is often the first response that comes to mind, it often leads the OP to demand that you "prove" what they said is false, inaccurate, misleading, batshit insane, etc. Sometimes that can be difficult in the moment, because their claims are just so bizarre that no rational breakdown rebuttal immediately comes to mind.
4. Post links stats and studies to the contrary - this can be helpful when you are so gobsmacked you can't formulate a response other than to point to someone else who has already laid out an eloquent response
5. Ask questions. This can be very helpful in getting over the initial "O_________O" response. Keep asking questions, like: "How exactly does recognizing and honouring the experiences of transgendered persons negatively affect you as a cis woman?", and "And you came to this conclusion how?" and "And how has denying and ignoring the existence of oppression helped women so far?" and even "Are you posting ironically? Because it's pretty bang-on if you're being facetious in order to highlight the absurdity of the claims of those who find it expedient to discount their own levels of privilege."
6. Take a break. I know that with discussions online, sometimes 5 minutes can feel like an eternity, and any time away from the topic can feel like the other side is "winning" by filling up the conversation with venom that echoes when not addressed. But, seriously, if you're gobsmacked or your face is turning red because you are so irate that someone could post something so offensive, it's ok to take a break. Often, with a bit of distance (even as short as 5-10 min) comes greater clarity in how to respond. And, in your absense, it's possible someone else will also chime in and put into words what you have been trying to express. Allies are awesome that way.
7. Stop responding. This may be counter-intuitive, but sometimes it can be very effective to let a ridiculous comment stand on its own without comment. Posts can echo, and sometimes the silence that follows can be more powerful than any other response.
8. Copy and paste. If you've been posting online about social justice issues for any length of time, chances are you've repeated yourself, and perhaps have repeated yourself so many times you can't be arsed to type the entire response out again. That's why I started updating a document with my most-common arguments. No sense reinventing the wheel. If people are going to keep lazily rehashing insults and out-dated arguments from a half-century ago, then you're allowed to repost something you said last week.
9. Build a group of allies. I've got a great collection of amazing people that I rely on as a sounding board and comic relief when dealing with these issues. Sometimes I'm too close to the issue or too upset to respond in a timely manner, so I go to them to see if they're able to respond, instead. It's not 100% assured someone is around to respond, but having people there to vent to helps regardless.

Now, I'm sure there are many other ways to address these types of arguments, and your mileage may vary on any and all of these suggestions. Whatever happens, know that you're not insane and, yes, they are really maliciously co-opting activist language, and yes, it really is fucking offensive. But at least you're not alone.



With a little help from my friends

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.

You know what I've found makes coming across trolls and misogynists and anti-feminists and general caca doodie heads easier? Friends.

More specifically, aligning with allies. Someone can be a bff and still fall into the categories above. A lot of people put up with a lot of unseemly bullshit from their friends because of their shared history together, the positive things their friends offer seem to offset the negative, mutual friends that keep them together, or any other of a bazillion reasons.

No, aside from just friends, it has been a godsend for me to have found a solid group of feminist allies. I've been fortunate enough to have gathered a group of allies from all over the world that I've "met" through the Slutwalk movement and other online activism pages on Facebook, without whom I think I would have long ago gone off my nut and set my laptop aflame.

Allies help to reassure us that,

"Yes, that was an extremely sexist comment. You're not over-reacting. Your reaction and your anger is valid. They're gaslighting you.",

or that,

"Yup, he's a misogynistic troll. We've come across him before and have seen him derail every conversation like this, so it's not your debating style that's the issue; it's that he's a jerk."

 or even,

"I know what you're trying to say, but the way you tried to phrase it was quite problematic, so I can see why you got that negative reaction. Let's work out your message here, in private, so we can deconstruct where you've gone off the rails a bit."

Having allies is about getting a group of people together that can help you maintain your sanity in the face of some really horrific issues. Having allies can help you become a better ally yourself by surrounding yourself with people who will call you out when you're making problematic statements but also who can help you understand why your statements were problematic. Having allies can be about getting people together to start GIF parties at trolls to reduce the triggering effects when they descend upon pages dedicated to survivors of sexual violence. Having allies has been one of the best ways for me to learn more about feminism and issues people are facing all over the world.

How does one build their network of allies?

In my case, it's largely been through Facebook, via Slutwalk pages whilst arguing against misogynists who drag out the tired rape myths and try to pass them off as "safety advice", and on feminism pages whilst arguing with dudebros who are adamant that North American women are more privileged than men and if they really want to address inequality they should help women in Iraq, etc.

In the real world, I've also met a lot of amazing allies through volunteering with rape crisis centres. By their nature, most rape crisis centres are set up in a feminist framework, and a large part of their crisis line volunteer training focusses on feminism in order to inform the volunteers about the societal issues that perpetuate rape culture and affect survivors of sexual violence. This is because one cannot adequately support survivors of sexual violence unless they fully understand the societal context in which these survivors are trying to get by - one where police perpetuate rape myths and disbelieve survivors' reports, one where survivor's sexual histories and clothing are used against them in court, one where friends and family all-too-often rally around the perpetrator because it's less uncomfortable to assume the survivor is lying than that someone they love and respect is capable of committing grievous acts of sexual violence.

Learning about those issues is intense. Ripping off the bandaids to resensitize onself in a society that encourages desensitization and rape jokes is painful. Gathering an adequate support system in order to deal with those issues and so many others that come up once the learning process starts has been vital to me and a big part of my self-care.

Other parts of my self-care? Manboobz.com, Icanhascheezburger.com, and Mystery Science Theatre 3000.