Was that a duck?

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.


Pop quiz! If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a __________.

Can you spot the duck?

Yup. Definitely a duck. Look at that perfect example of a duck. I've got my eye on you, duck. 

Uh... yeah. Still a duck. Just, like, with a nose job or something.

Ah, there we go. Back to the definitive duck-action.

Uh... heh. Ok, you got me. It's a goose. But geese are like ducks, so nice try. 

Ye-ah... ok, so it's a swan. Point taken. Still, it could break your arm if you went up to it and called it a duck, so it's up to the swan to differentiate itself from ducks.

Ok, that's just mean. Yes, it's a duck even if it has mobility issues and can't walk quite like other ducks. Geez.

Uh... that's a movie character. It's some dude dressed up as a duck with animatronics and stuff.

Now you're just being sarcastic.

Ok, ok, I get it. Some animals have duck-like qualities and are otherwise totally not duckish at all.

.... you don't have to be rude ....

What the... what end is the...

To break it down for the uninitiated, when talking about issues including sexual violence and victim-blaming, etc, often we hear the aforementioned justification of "if it looks like a duck." Insert for "duck" anything ranging from slut, whore, n*****, f**, etc.

As you can see, it's not even straight-forward to describe a duck. Is it the bill? Is it the feathers? The affinity for water? Are loons ducks? Are geese just a tall and lankey species ducks? Do all ducks quack?

When it comes to women and the label "slut" (as just one possible example), it's even more complicated. Women and girls are frequently labelled sluts for every manner of perceived indiscretion, from the length of their shorts or skirts, amount of skin shown, number of sexual partners they're perceived to have had (real or imagined, really doesn't matter when slut-shaming), how they carry themselves, their profession, their hairstyle, their makeup, their height, their weight, their breastsize, colour of their skin (racism and exoticism of women of colour is a huge factor), who they associate with and family makeup (if one of their friends or family members has been labelled a 'slut', so much easier to label them as such), if they're perceived as flirty (again - reality doesn't matter so much as perception), marital status, etc etc etc.

This isn't hyperbole. This is what women and girls and queer not non-gendery-binary persons experience. Anyone who declares that there is a solid definition of whom can reasonably be labelled with a slur against their sexuality and that the lines aren't easily blurred to envelope whomever the slur-slinger wants to slander, is either blissfully ignorant or a baldfaced liar.

And, even if one happens to fall under the so-broad-as-to-be-meaningless definitions of slut, what then? If you are saying that sluts get treated as such, then you must have some idea as to what that treatment entails. And, here's a hint, it often involves violence.

If you aren't saying that you are sanctioning sexual violence against any one of the myriad of persons who, at one point or another in their lives or the course of a week, could be called a slut, then you really need to think more deeply about your words and their implications. Words matter. Words have meaning. Words can make the difference between supporting survivors of sexual violence or of supporting rapists.

Please think about your words and their implications, because they matter.

Babe, is this Sexist?

This installment was about song lyrics, and we had songs from a variety of genres.  The voting was close, but we have a winner!

Taylor Swift's "You Belong with Me"

And yes this is sexist! This time of the internalized variety.

• Female competition over men, where you can't build yourself up without putting the other woman down.
• Hatred of Other Girl.
• Slut-shaming up the wazoo (maximized in the music video).
• Conflating relationships with ownership.

Now yes, unlike some of the other songs that people could vote for, there is no use of sexist slurs in this one, or objectification of women. But this subtle form of sexism is just as problematic.  The tropes it employs are so prevalent in society, and it's target audience is young girls who will internalize this sexist message because Taylor Swift is their hero and a "good girl". 

If you have suggestions for the next installment of Babe, is this Sexist? you can leave information in these posts, message us on Tumblr, or post on the F.A.R. facebook page.

Go to the "Babe, is this Sexist?" Masterpost

Babe, Is This Sexist?

So there were only two votes, but the option they both went with is so stomach turning that we're confident many more would have voted for it.

And Oh My Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster is this SEXIST!!!  Seriously my brain cannot break down the sexist-ness of this commercial to describe it.  I remember it showing all the time last year or so and by mind was boggled that this amount of overt Patriarchal control was considered acceptable. 

• Parents do not own their children! 
• Slut-shaming anyone?
• A Father destroying his daughter's property because it makes him uncomfortable about her sexuality is not funny!
• FUCK YOU TIDE!

As always please feel free to leave suggestions for next week in the comments.  Voting will go up on our Facebook page on Monday so you can pick your favorite option for the next installment.

Go to the "Babe, is this Sexist?" Masterpost

So Sexy It Hurts

By: Liberate Zealot
Content Warning: Sexism, Kyriarchy, Racism, Slut-Shaming

The idea that certain things are "sexy" or "too sexy" and therefor "inappropriate" is all over.  In various countries, among liberals and conservatives, feminists and religious extremists, there's the idea that a woman's body (more so than men) wearing certain clothes or doing certain things are so sexual (and objectifying) that they are bad and inappropriate.  Now different cultures have somewhat different standards (and these have also changed over time).  However, the overreaching standards that gain more and more prevalence are based on "Western" ideas.  And the "West's" ideas of sexuality and being "too sexy" are based on centuries of colonialism, "Othering", and the Kyriarchy.  

Western Europe and the people who came from there and conquered the lands that would become the US, Canada, and Australia had specific ideas about the acceptable role and appearance of women, and also ideas about "the savage" non-whites/non-Western Europeans.  These ideas have created our current ideas of not only what is "inappropriately sexy" but also what is considered "sexy" at all.  So to dismantle the Kyrirachal framing of things as "too sexy" and slut-shaming we need to look at how current standards of "sexy" and "too sexy" came into being.

Lions, Tigers, and Rapists. Oh, my!

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.


If you've spent any amount of time on forums talking about sexual violence, you've likely come across posts similar to the following:

Hypothetical situation: You live in a savanna, inhabited by lions. You know the lions exist, and you are warned of the lions by your friends, family, and colleagues.

However, it is your right to wear an outfit made out of raw meat, if you so please. You do so, and are brutally mutilated by a lion before you can be rushed to the hospital.

You start a [futile] campaign to eradicate dangerous lions from the savanna, while also campaigning against victim-blaming, arguing that your outfit was no excuse for a lion to attack you

Is this justified?

First off, the comparison between rapists and lions is ridiculous. When we're discussing rape and rape culture, we're not talking about animals attacking people. We're talking about people attacking people.

But, for the sake of argument, I'll play along with this particular scenario.

Let's say that I do live in the savana, as many people do, and that there are lions. And let's say I wear a suit made of meat (maybe Lady Gaga is making a visit and it's an hommage of sorts). If a lion attacks me, I could potentially take off the meat suit and toss it at the lion to stave off attack, since the lion will be after the meatsuit, and not necessarily me.

Heck, if I left the meatsuit out on the line, the lion would go after it. If the lion/ rapist analogy were accurate, then I could leave skivvies or miniskirts or any other manner of "slutty" items on the fence around my house to deflect the rapists. Or, I could keep some lingerie in my purse, and if I were feeling threatened, I could toss those at the potential rapist to distract hir long enough to get away.

Or, let's say I don't wear a meat suit. Well, to a lion, I am a meat suit. So, unless I'm wearing a bearproof (or lionproof) suit, then I'm still vulnerable.

Now, taking from the above example, let's say that my family and friends didn't let me know that I'm still meat to the lion even when I'm not wearing the dreaded meat suit. Let's say they also didn't tell me that lions can be my friends and family members and coworkers and spouses. Let's say that they think the lions only live in the savana and attack meat suits, and then blame me when I'm attacked in my home when wearing a night gown. How did this meat suit "advice" protect me?

Also, if we were talking about actual lions, it would be pretty easy to eradicate them. Humans have been driving other species into exctinction for at least hundreds of years, now. If I could just shoot and kill these lions without censure or recourse or being more heavily punished than the lion that attacked me, then this would be an entirely different situation.

As it stands, I'd much rather try my chances with a lion. At least I can spot a lion, I know what a lion is, what to expect from a lion, and if I were to get mauled by a lion no one would debate whether I got mauled or was just faking it.

But, seriously, lions are fucking scary.

Why SlutWalk - Several Days Late

By: Liberate Zealot
Content Warning: Discussions of rape, rape culture and slut-shaming


This post is several days late, I apologize, but I was traveling and away from my computer at the time. 

Just play by these rules and you'll be fine

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.


Let's play a game, shall we? Let's pretend this is only a game and not relevant to real life and that there really is a way to win.*

Now, in this game, you are a white, able-bodied ciswoman. You have class privilege from growing with up two parents who are not rich but are solidly middle-class and in a healthy, non-abusive family environment. What luck!

Now, in this game, pick one of the two:
You:

1. a) date or have dated people who are not 100% respectful of you.
   b) only date people who are 100% respectful of you at all times.
2. a) have had sexual contact outside of marriage
   b) are saving your viriginity for marriage
3. a) don't have kids
   b) have kids
4. a) are utilizing some form of birth control
   b) are not utilizing any form of birth control
5. a) are conventionally attractive
   b) are not conventionally attractive
6. a) are an atheist or agnostic
   b) practice a particular religion
7. a) are married and your partner makes more money than you do
   b) are married and you make more than your partner does
8. a) imbibe legal and government-regulated intoxicating substances
   b) do not partake of any intoxicating substances
9. a) you're married
   b) you're not married
10. a) you are not constantly thinking about your personal safety
    b) you are hyper-vigilant about your personal safety
11. a) you are knowledgeable about rape myths, and take calculated risks 
    b) you abide by every single "safety tip" just in case

Ok, pencils down! Let's see how you did!

In the interest of full-disclosure, I feel it's only fair to let you know it's all downhill from here.

1. a) Women only date assholes because they like being abused! - minus 5 points!
   b) Why don't you give him a chance? As if you're so perfect. - minus 10 points!
2. a) You've had sex with how many people? You disgusting slut! - minus 20 points!
   b) You're waiting for sex until marriage? What a prude. You're probably a dyke. - minus 8 points!
3. a) You don't have kids because you're focussed on your career? What a sad, empty life you must lead. - minus 50 points!
   b) You don't have a job because you stay at home with the kids? What a waste of potential. - minus B^2 points!
4. a) You use birth control? You must be a slut. - minus (Pi)R ^2 points!
   b) You didn't use birth control? You're such a stupid slut. - minus 100 points!
5. a) You're so beautiful. You could get any guy, so you must be a slut. - minus 150 points!
   b) You're so ugly. You must have to be a slut to get anyone to pay attention to you. - minus 42 points!
6. a) You're an atheist? No wonder you have no morals. - minus 500 points!
   b) You're a (insert religion here)? No wonder you're a mindless sheep. - minus the square root of infinity points!
7. a) Your husband is rich? You must be shallow and just with him for the money. - minus 37 points!
   b) You make more money than your husband? How immasculating. How does he put up with that? - minus 73 points!
8. a) You like to drink booze? You're such a dirty lush. - minus 60proof points!
   b) You're straight-edge? What an uptight bitch. - minus 100 percent points!
9. a) You're married? How were you able to fool him into getting stuck with you? - minus calculus points!
   b) You're not married? You musn't be good enough to get any man to want to stick with you. - minus a googleplex points!
10. a) Don't be so naive and trusting! All men are rapists! - minus uber lots of points!
    b) Why don't you trust men? You must hate them. - minus (GDP of Brazil) points!
11. a) Don't go down dark alleys because you'll get raped! - minus a bazillionty points!
    b) You never take chances. You're timid and pathetic. What do you think's gonna happen? The boogeyman gonna get you? - MINUS ALLLLL THE POINTS!!!!!!1!!1!1!!!ELEVENTY!1!!

And, you lose! Yay! What a fun game! Now, let's play again, only now you're non-caucasian, disabled, LGBTTQQ, poor, etc. You lose even more! Stop playing because your losing is harshing my buzz!!!!!

Now, for something completely different (because I don't wanna play that game any more, either).

*CAUTION! THIS POST MAY HAVE BEEN OVERSATURATED WITH SARCASM!

How to get her to suck *content warning*

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.

This little charmer of a headline was waiting in my Spam mailbox this morning. Rather than see what glorious (read: gross/rapey/triggering) wisdom and/or product they have to offer, I thought I'd take the opportunity to offer my own sage advice.

How to get her to suck:

1. When in her presence, or posting anywhere online where the intended female may view your comments, reinforce gender stereotypes and laud women who do the same, whilst simultaneously complimenting and slut-shaming women you find sexually attractive. Make sure that you put out as many messages as possible, post them all over your Facebook wall, tweet them, blog about them, etc. Make sure she cannot escape reading them.
   
2. Compliment her on "not being like other girls" any time she does something misogynistic. Use it as a compliment of the highest order. Encourage her to prove how much better she is than other women, especially if that means degrading other women in the process.
   
3. Sexually harass her. If she reacts badly, tell her it was a joke. Get other female friends to tell her to lighten up. Keep this up until she accepts the sexual harassment as complimentary, ordinary, and something to look forward to. Encourage her to brow-beat other women who speak out against sexual harassment.
   
4. Tell rape jokes around her. Commend her if she laughs at them. Encourage her to tell some herself. Applaud her for being so "edgy" and "not like typical girls" and "just one of the guys".
   
5. If she has a grudge or grievance with another woman or girl, encourage her to slut-shame them. The other person's sexuality doesn't even need to be remotely connected to the issue. The more acrimonious her slut-shaming, the more you should laugh and cheer her on.
   
6. Have movie nights where you watch sexually violent and degrading movies and make fun of the female characters who are brutalized in these films. If she acts uncomfortable or tries to leave the room, make fun of her, saying "it's only a movie." Make sure she knows her feelings of discomfort are both unwelcome and completely unwarranted.
   
7. Any time she is mildly unhappy or not enthusiastic, accuse her of being on her period. Use her objections as proof of her being visited by her Aunt Flo. If she admits to being on her period, say "I knew it", and make a generalized statements about how menstruation makes women inferior to men. Make sure she laughs at the joke, otherwise it's further evidence of her menstrual moodiness.
   
8. Don't let her do anything for herself. Whether it be changing a tire, changing the channel, updating her computer operating system, or anything other than shopping, cooking, and child-rearing. If she doesn't let you do things for her, accuse her of being an uppity feminist. If she does let you, use it as proof that women can't do these things.
   
9. Always use her as an example of her entire gender when she's doing something wrong/ bad/ weird, etc, and as an exception to the rule any time she does something good/ right/ cool, etc. Make sure she agrees when you point these out. If she doesn't agree, go back to #7.
   
10. Make exaggerated and sexually-charged comments about women in the media who benefit from personal trainers, plastic surgery, and air-brushing. Point out all the flaws in women you see at the grocery store, on the news, online, etc. Make sure to add a few digs here and there about her complexion, figure, hair, and how they don't match Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox. If she remarks on the personal trainers, etc, go back to #7, and/or any of the other tactics.
    
11. Ensure she's never confident in her own opinion. Even if she's 100% right. If she has evidence, say she's misunderstanding your original point, or that her evidence doesn't quite apply exactly to the particular way you've phrased the issue. Correct her at every opportunity. And when she looks to you for validation, point out that she's not confident. 

There. Now, if you go through all of the above steps with the intended woman or girl you were originally posing the question about, she will be one sucky human being. Or, she'll stop returning your calls and completely block you out of her life and devote the rest of her days to feminism and challenging schmucks like you. Really could go either way.

Now, if you are looking to know how to get someone to consent to sexual activity for you, here's a couple pieces of advice:

1. Be a decent human being.
2. Treat them like they're a decent human being.
3. If they expresses interest in you beyond friendship, try kissing them first. If they're not interested in kissing you, then stop. 
4. If they kiss you, ask if they want to go any further. If you're not comfortable verbalizing what you want, stop. If they're not comfortable verbalizing what they want, stop. 
5. Accept that sometimes, no matter how nice or decent or charming or helpful or attractive or rich or funny or brilliant or utterly amazing you are, the person you like won't want to be sexually intimate with you. Or may only want to be sexually intimate with you once. Or in a limited way. It happens. No amount of advice will get you beyond that point, because the other person has a right to not want to be with you for any reason at all, even if they can't or won't verbalize that reason.

This advice may seem counter productive insofar as it won't necessarily "get you laid". That's ok. Sex isn't something you're owed. It's not something your partner is owed. It doesn't have to be in the context of a long-term, monogamous, heterosexual relationship, but it does have to be with enthusiastic consent by everyone involved at all times. 

Consent and respect and very sexy. If the person you're interested in doesn't seem to think so, time to move on, because your boundaries and safety are important, too.