Open Letter to CNN

By: Liberate Zealot

As many people are well aware, the primary Steubenville Rape Trial is over, and the rapists were convicted (and will likely serve 3 year or less between the two of them).
Justice is served?
Hardly, but that hasn't stopped CNN, specifically Fredricka Whitfield, Paul Callan, Candy Crowley, and Poppy Harlow for feeling bad for the rapists.
One way to fight this horrible example of rape apology and rape culture is to publicly call in out in the broad sense, another is to personally call out the people responsible.  I'm attempting to kill two birds with one stone.

"I'm writing to you because your reporters commentary over the Steubenville Rape Trial and its verdict has been absolutely reprehensible.  Reporter after reporter bemoaned the fate of the rapists and how their "promising lives were ruined" for being held responsible for the crimes they committed.  Whitfield, Harlow, Callan, and Crowley all expressed sympathy for the rapists and much of the footage was focused on the rapists and their families crying after the verdict was read.
I can think of no other instance where reporters try to heavy handedly drum up support and sympathy for people convicted of serious crimes. Certainly the other stations did not engage in this.  And the actions of CNN's news teams are especially inappropriate considering the ubiquity of rape and the lack of rape convictions that exists in the United States.  The commentary of your reporters and film shown not only speak poorly of your ability to show serious news without bias, but also perpetuates this serious rape culture.  Such actions are inexcusable.
I expect CNN and it's specific reporters and news hosts to issue public apologies for their inappropriate and harmful language while reporting on the Steubenville Rape Trial.  I also expect CNN to feature an expert on rape and rape culture so as to fight against the harmful ideas that you and your representative perpetuated.  I will continue to boycott and publicly call out CNN, and encourage all of my friends and colleagues to do so, until CNN, Whitfield, Harlow, Callan, and Crowley all apologize and explain why such coverage was inexcusable." 

Please feel free to copy and share the letter, and use it yourself when calling out CNN.


You can contact CNN on-line

Or tweet them and the responsible reports:
@CNN
@FWhitfield
@crowleyCNN
@PoppyHarlowCNN
@PaulCallan


Sign the Petition

And a follow-up, considering it's been five days with no apology:

I'm absolutely horrified that CNN and its reporters have refused to apologize for their abhorrent rape apology during their reporting of the Steubenville Rape Trial Verdict.  I cannot believe that any station with the pretense of serious reporting would not only engage in such behavior, but refuse to make restitution for their perpetuation of rape culture.
You had the opportunity to show growth and to educate America on a topic that we desperately need enlightened.
For too long has rape been framed as something that just happens, with rapists less than culpable.  Where making reports against rapists is treated as "ruining their lives", with no regard to the fact that the rapist is the active person, the criminal.
You've had the chance to apologize.   To turn this into an opportunity to educate America on consent, rape, and rape culture.  Instead you give us nothing but silence.  On top of the sickening dose of rape apology you've already spewed.
You and your reporters are completely unacceptable. 

Was that a duck?

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.


Pop quiz! If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a __________.

Can you spot the duck?

Yup. Definitely a duck. Look at that perfect example of a duck. I've got my eye on you, duck. 

Uh... yeah. Still a duck. Just, like, with a nose job or something.

Ah, there we go. Back to the definitive duck-action.

Uh... heh. Ok, you got me. It's a goose. But geese are like ducks, so nice try. 

Ye-ah... ok, so it's a swan. Point taken. Still, it could break your arm if you went up to it and called it a duck, so it's up to the swan to differentiate itself from ducks.

Ok, that's just mean. Yes, it's a duck even if it has mobility issues and can't walk quite like other ducks. Geez.

Uh... that's a movie character. It's some dude dressed up as a duck with animatronics and stuff.

Now you're just being sarcastic.

Ok, ok, I get it. Some animals have duck-like qualities and are otherwise totally not duckish at all.

.... you don't have to be rude ....

What the... what end is the...

To break it down for the uninitiated, when talking about issues including sexual violence and victim-blaming, etc, often we hear the aforementioned justification of "if it looks like a duck." Insert for "duck" anything ranging from slut, whore, n*****, f**, etc.

As you can see, it's not even straight-forward to describe a duck. Is it the bill? Is it the feathers? The affinity for water? Are loons ducks? Are geese just a tall and lankey species ducks? Do all ducks quack?

When it comes to women and the label "slut" (as just one possible example), it's even more complicated. Women and girls are frequently labelled sluts for every manner of perceived indiscretion, from the length of their shorts or skirts, amount of skin shown, number of sexual partners they're perceived to have had (real or imagined, really doesn't matter when slut-shaming), how they carry themselves, their profession, their hairstyle, their makeup, their height, their weight, their breastsize, colour of their skin (racism and exoticism of women of colour is a huge factor), who they associate with and family makeup (if one of their friends or family members has been labelled a 'slut', so much easier to label them as such), if they're perceived as flirty (again - reality doesn't matter so much as perception), marital status, etc etc etc.

This isn't hyperbole. This is what women and girls and queer not non-gendery-binary persons experience. Anyone who declares that there is a solid definition of whom can reasonably be labelled with a slur against their sexuality and that the lines aren't easily blurred to envelope whomever the slur-slinger wants to slander, is either blissfully ignorant or a baldfaced liar.

And, even if one happens to fall under the so-broad-as-to-be-meaningless definitions of slut, what then? If you are saying that sluts get treated as such, then you must have some idea as to what that treatment entails. And, here's a hint, it often involves violence.

If you aren't saying that you are sanctioning sexual violence against any one of the myriad of persons who, at one point or another in their lives or the course of a week, could be called a slut, then you really need to think more deeply about your words and their implications. Words matter. Words have meaning. Words can make the difference between supporting survivors of sexual violence or of supporting rapists.

Please think about your words and their implications, because they matter.

This Past Week in Rape Culture

By: Liberate Zealot
Content Warning: Discussions and descriptions of rape, assault, and rape culture

It's been months since we got a comment on the Daniel Tosh and Rape posts, but this week another one showed up.  Invariably it was filled with rape apologism, and like a lot of the rape apologist comments related to this post, was full of information about how the commenter, or people they knew, were engaging in sexual assault (obviously not calling it such though).  I guess such people didn't like the realization that some feminists on the internet thought they, or their friends, where sexual assaulters.  Though why this commenter felt the need to describe the assault in detail for me I don't know.

Luckily it wasn't triggering, mainly I just despaired for humanity.  And if this hadn't been the 4th instance of rape culture knocking on my door than maybe I'd have deleted the comment and gone on my merry way and  DudeBro could think about the fascist feminists who obvi didn't let his post through because of how spot on it was.   But instead I'll be addressing it, and the other instances of rape culture.  Because this shit needs to be called out, and I'm tired of seeing myself and other anti-rape activists being called overly sensitive when in reality rape culture is all around us and everyone else is just inured from how prevalent it all is.

Rape Apology, Racism and Tosh Fans

By: Liberate Zealot
Content Warning: Rape, Rape Culture, Rape Apology

Unsurprisingly, a lot of people have read my post/seen the video (content warning - rape) where Tosh.0 shows the rape of a teen boy and decided to make excuses for how it isn't "real" rape. Here's my response to the various forms of rape apology that have shown up on tumblr or this blog. 

First lets get this one thing out of the way, because I see a lot of people trying to excuse what happened because it was a “prank”.  Bad things can happen in pranks, pranks can be part of bullying, pranks can be planned with bad intent.  Even if the boys meant this as a friendly prank, it does not change the results of what happened.  And what happened was a serious sexual assault. Non-consensual sexual acts were done to the boy in the white shirt. He had a large dildo jammed at and quite possibly into his asshole, certainly that was the intent since one boy told the rapist to “put it in”.  Even if this started at a prank, it quickly turned into sexual violence and a serious crime.  In fact, the majority of rapes that are done to men/boys by men/boys are "caused" hazing, "discipline", jokes, and "retaliatory justice".  Many of these are gang rapes (while the assault in question is not technically a gang rape, it did involve a group of boys watching and encouraging the rapist). 

Also this is not the first time rapes have happened and bystanders did not intervene.  Maybe some were in shock when their friend took it that far.  Maybe some have been too indoctrinated by the rape myths that men can’t be raped (something the FBI agreed with until earlier this year) too recognize this for what it is.  It certainly seems that a couple of them are just rapists and thus enjoyed victimizing their “friend”.  Which is another thing that is not uncommon for rapists, they target people they know. 
Another rape myth, that apparently those teens, and many people commenting on this have internalized is that all victims act in a certain way that involves screaming and fighting off the rapist.  However,  many victims/survivors go into a state of shock.  They can’t believe someone they trust is doing such a horrible thing to them.  They freeze in panic. And this boy did try to stop/block the assault.  As for him “laughing” afterwards.  I saw his shoulders and ribs moving rapidly, I heard a shake in his voice when he spoke.  Signs of laughter, yes, but also signs of crying, fighting off tears, or a panic attack.  Also laughing can be a nervous/panic response.
 
Many people are also discussing how this isn't "real rape" because there "wasn't real penetration" or penetration couldn't happen under these circumstances and that to call this rape takes away from "real victims".  Now everyone doing this makes me sick and want to scream profanities, but I'm going to try to address these claims with a level of care and maturity that the people commenting thus really don't deserve.   The FBI's updated definition of rape includes “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” See that "no matter how slight"?  That means even the smallest amount of penetration changes a sexual assault/attempted rape into a rape. And yes, the video is of a lower quality and from a distance/angle that does leave a certain amount of interpretation from the viewer. But from everything I've seen, based on my and the legal understanding of rape, this is very likely to qualify.  And even if I'm wrong, even if this was an attempted rape that wasn't fully completed, well so what.  Is calling this boy a survivor of rape going to take away from the experiences of rape victims?  I certainly don't feel so, and I am a survivor.  In fact, I'm a survivor of a rape that many would not call a "real rape".  But guess what does hurt survivors of rape? Closely examining the details of each and every rape and having outsiders rule on whether it's "real" enough. Certainly that aspect of rape culture made it take me over a year to fully name what had been done to me.  Hell, in some people's minds the drugging and raping of a 14 year old by a grown man isn't "real" rape. 
Also to the people saying anal is only possible with liberal amount of lube and prep, just no.  From first hand experience, while lube and prep are necessary for pleasurable anal, they are not necessary for anal full stop.

As for the media response, that’s rape culture. The victim/survivor was a boy, and rape culture tells us men and boys can’t be victims of sexual violence.  The assault started as a prank, so rape culture tells us it was just “boys being boys”.  The victim/survivor didn’t scream or act the way a victim/survivor is “supposed to”, so rape culture says they aren’t a victim.  These are all exceedingly common rape apology tactics. 

And of course, the majority of the people making all these claims are the ones claiming that rape culture doesn't exist. 

Now, less prevalent, but equally problematic are all the claims about how Tosh's commentary isn't racist, because "it's a proven fact that black men have larger penises", it was a joke, and if it is a stereotype it's a "complimentary one".  Guess what though, racist stereotypes are racist.  Racist jokes are racist. And there is no such thing as a complimentary/good stereotype.  One doesn't have to be a member of the KKK to be a racist.  One doesn't have to use the n-word.  All on has to do is treat/see people of color as other.  And if you've grown up in North America, Europe, Australia, or plenty of other countries, and are white, than it's a pretty safe bet that you're at least a little bit racist sometimes. 

Lions, Tigers, and Rapists. Oh, my!

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.


If you've spent any amount of time on forums talking about sexual violence, you've likely come across posts similar to the following:

Hypothetical situation: You live in a savanna, inhabited by lions. You know the lions exist, and you are warned of the lions by your friends, family, and colleagues.

However, it is your right to wear an outfit made out of raw meat, if you so please. You do so, and are brutally mutilated by a lion before you can be rushed to the hospital.

You start a [futile] campaign to eradicate dangerous lions from the savanna, while also campaigning against victim-blaming, arguing that your outfit was no excuse for a lion to attack you

Is this justified?

First off, the comparison between rapists and lions is ridiculous. When we're discussing rape and rape culture, we're not talking about animals attacking people. We're talking about people attacking people.

But, for the sake of argument, I'll play along with this particular scenario.

Let's say that I do live in the savana, as many people do, and that there are lions. And let's say I wear a suit made of meat (maybe Lady Gaga is making a visit and it's an hommage of sorts). If a lion attacks me, I could potentially take off the meat suit and toss it at the lion to stave off attack, since the lion will be after the meatsuit, and not necessarily me.

Heck, if I left the meatsuit out on the line, the lion would go after it. If the lion/ rapist analogy were accurate, then I could leave skivvies or miniskirts or any other manner of "slutty" items on the fence around my house to deflect the rapists. Or, I could keep some lingerie in my purse, and if I were feeling threatened, I could toss those at the potential rapist to distract hir long enough to get away.

Or, let's say I don't wear a meat suit. Well, to a lion, I am a meat suit. So, unless I'm wearing a bearproof (or lionproof) suit, then I'm still vulnerable.

Now, taking from the above example, let's say that my family and friends didn't let me know that I'm still meat to the lion even when I'm not wearing the dreaded meat suit. Let's say they also didn't tell me that lions can be my friends and family members and coworkers and spouses. Let's say that they think the lions only live in the savana and attack meat suits, and then blame me when I'm attacked in my home when wearing a night gown. How did this meat suit "advice" protect me?

Also, if we were talking about actual lions, it would be pretty easy to eradicate them. Humans have been driving other species into exctinction for at least hundreds of years, now. If I could just shoot and kill these lions without censure or recourse or being more heavily punished than the lion that attacked me, then this would be an entirely different situation.

As it stands, I'd much rather try my chances with a lion. At least I can spot a lion, I know what a lion is, what to expect from a lion, and if I were to get mauled by a lion no one would debate whether I got mauled or was just faking it.

But, seriously, lions are fucking scary.

Just because they're awesome, doesn't mean they can't be awful

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.

Don't hate! He helped me with that thing that time!

I keep coming back to this issue, and it is such a frustrating one. Someone says or does something problematic (in some circumstances illegal and horrific), and yet they have supporters who will try to dismiss the seriousness of the offense because of how "good" or "nice" or "honourable" the person is. Other than that thing. And potentially that long series of things committed against minors in their charge over a span of decades.

On the one hand, I get it. Someone you care about personally, and/or respect a great deal is being challenged and you want to protect them. They were there for you before, or you've read some of their great speeches/ books/ published papers, etc, and it distresses you that someone so amazing is being insulted in this way.

I get that it can be very hard to listen to criticisms of people we love. When a stranger is making accusations against them, our first instinct is often to go into mama-bear mode and protect them, regardless of the substance or severity of the accusation.

Take for example, my mom. My mom's super. Sometimes I have issues with my mom. Sometimes my sister and I talk about issues we're having with our mom. But if anyone else outside that tiny circle of my sis and I start talking smack about my mom, I won't stand for that. That's when I go into the "My mom's a saint! You best back off my mom lest I bring your mom's faults into this!"-sort of mode. So, I get the reaction. I do.

The thing is, sometimes the people we love and respect make bad decisions. Sometimes they may be good to us but horrifically terrible to others. Sometimes even when they're not that great to us we still feel a sense of loyalty that urges us to defend them.

This is obviously problematic. First off, it largely leads to victim-blaming. If we are so unwilling to believe that someone we know/ trust/ respect, etc, is capable of being anything but awesome, despite all evidence to the contrary, there really is no place else to go but to blame and/or disbelieve their accusers.

Putting people on pedestals is unhealthy. Full-stop. No one is perfect and absolutely no one deserves to be revered as more than human. Not our parents, our partners, our religious leaders, our political leaders, our teachers, our bosses, our siblings, movie stars, professional athletes, scientists, political activists, no one. Everybody has flaws and blindspots, because we're all raised in an imperfect culture that teaches us, up front and subliminally, very problematic things. We need to see them as human and fallible so we can both genuinely appreciate the good things they do despite their regular flaws (as in, non-criminal, non-oppressive flaws like not practicing dental hygene, not knowing how to parallel park, having the audacity to have cellulite, not being omnisciently intelligent, etc), and to hold them accountable when necessary.

Also, by defending people despite their problems, we are preventing them from becoming better people. We learn through our mistakes, but only if we acknowledge they are mistakes. If someone is making sexist comments and they're being egged on to not apologize because they're already oh-so-awesome the way they are, that can prevent them from self-growth in stepping beyond their misogynistic beliefs. If loving and admiring someone depends on them maintaining their misogyny, then they're not the only person with the problem.

In the more serious cases of heroes committing crimes, if you think that a person's positive contributions are more important than them being held accountable for the crimes they've committed, welcome to rape culture. You're in it.

Just play by these rules and you'll be fine

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.


Let's play a game, shall we? Let's pretend this is only a game and not relevant to real life and that there really is a way to win.*

Now, in this game, you are a white, able-bodied ciswoman. You have class privilege from growing with up two parents who are not rich but are solidly middle-class and in a healthy, non-abusive family environment. What luck!

Now, in this game, pick one of the two:
You:

1. a) date or have dated people who are not 100% respectful of you.
   b) only date people who are 100% respectful of you at all times.
2. a) have had sexual contact outside of marriage
   b) are saving your viriginity for marriage
3. a) don't have kids
   b) have kids
4. a) are utilizing some form of birth control
   b) are not utilizing any form of birth control
5. a) are conventionally attractive
   b) are not conventionally attractive
6. a) are an atheist or agnostic
   b) practice a particular religion
7. a) are married and your partner makes more money than you do
   b) are married and you make more than your partner does
8. a) imbibe legal and government-regulated intoxicating substances
   b) do not partake of any intoxicating substances
9. a) you're married
   b) you're not married
10. a) you are not constantly thinking about your personal safety
    b) you are hyper-vigilant about your personal safety
11. a) you are knowledgeable about rape myths, and take calculated risks 
    b) you abide by every single "safety tip" just in case

Ok, pencils down! Let's see how you did!

In the interest of full-disclosure, I feel it's only fair to let you know it's all downhill from here.

1. a) Women only date assholes because they like being abused! - minus 5 points!
   b) Why don't you give him a chance? As if you're so perfect. - minus 10 points!
2. a) You've had sex with how many people? You disgusting slut! - minus 20 points!
   b) You're waiting for sex until marriage? What a prude. You're probably a dyke. - minus 8 points!
3. a) You don't have kids because you're focussed on your career? What a sad, empty life you must lead. - minus 50 points!
   b) You don't have a job because you stay at home with the kids? What a waste of potential. - minus B^2 points!
4. a) You use birth control? You must be a slut. - minus (Pi)R ^2 points!
   b) You didn't use birth control? You're such a stupid slut. - minus 100 points!
5. a) You're so beautiful. You could get any guy, so you must be a slut. - minus 150 points!
   b) You're so ugly. You must have to be a slut to get anyone to pay attention to you. - minus 42 points!
6. a) You're an atheist? No wonder you have no morals. - minus 500 points!
   b) You're a (insert religion here)? No wonder you're a mindless sheep. - minus the square root of infinity points!
7. a) Your husband is rich? You must be shallow and just with him for the money. - minus 37 points!
   b) You make more money than your husband? How immasculating. How does he put up with that? - minus 73 points!
8. a) You like to drink booze? You're such a dirty lush. - minus 60proof points!
   b) You're straight-edge? What an uptight bitch. - minus 100 percent points!
9. a) You're married? How were you able to fool him into getting stuck with you? - minus calculus points!
   b) You're not married? You musn't be good enough to get any man to want to stick with you. - minus a googleplex points!
10. a) Don't be so naive and trusting! All men are rapists! - minus uber lots of points!
    b) Why don't you trust men? You must hate them. - minus (GDP of Brazil) points!
11. a) Don't go down dark alleys because you'll get raped! - minus a bazillionty points!
    b) You never take chances. You're timid and pathetic. What do you think's gonna happen? The boogeyman gonna get you? - MINUS ALLLLL THE POINTS!!!!!!1!!1!1!!!ELEVENTY!1!!

And, you lose! Yay! What a fun game! Now, let's play again, only now you're non-caucasian, disabled, LGBTTQQ, poor, etc. You lose even more! Stop playing because your losing is harshing my buzz!!!!!

Now, for something completely different (because I don't wanna play that game any more, either).

*CAUTION! THIS POST MAY HAVE BEEN OVERSATURATED WITH SARCASM!

Who's the victim? Co-opting activist language is en vogue.

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.

Who's the boss? Who's the victim? Evidence of a feministicalogical conspiracy
to enslave teh menz? You be the judge...

I'm not the sort of blogger who is able to keep on top of every new topic that comes along. Not least of all because there's so much shit that happens all the time. If this were a full-time job, I'm still not sure I could do it. I'd likely miss deadlines as I cowered under my covers, hugging my teddy bear and softly singing to myself, "It can't rain all the time".

Actually, it probably can.

So, given that I'm not trying to keep up with the minutiea, sitting back and watching from a slight distance provides some clearer perspective on overall trends that I've been noticing (I'm certainly not the only one, as you'll see, because I'm quoting posts from Manboobz.com).

For example, it's interesting (read: ridiculous & depressing) that the term "victim" is being simultaneously misappropriated and maligned by groups and individuals who wouldn't know what it is to be a victim if it came up and slapped them upside the head (which would be ironic, because then they'd be victims of assault). I know that this isn't just something that MRAs do, I just know that I'm more aware of their hijacking of the term because I find it deeply offensive and obnoxious.

They seem to have recognized that people tend to sympathize with "victims". So, in wrenching sympathy from those who deserve and need it (i.e. - people who have been actually victimized), they've adopted a tactic of "Don't sympathize with them! They're chowder heads! Look at us! We've got hangnails because women are teh debbil! We don't like it when people criticize us for being so shitty, so we're going to co-opt their language unironically to excuse and pretty-up our abuse."

One of the more frustrating things about this tactic, is that genuinely nice people who actively work to support survivors of various forms of violence and oppression don't always know how to react to it. When someone states they are being oppressed or victimized, the standard response from good people is to try to support them and work with them to alievate what it is that is affecting them. When it's cis people claiming that the existence and acknowledgment of trans people are oppressing them by "reinforcing negative gender stereotypes by trying to conform to the opposite-sex" (I shit you not, I've seen that argument), good people are often gobsmacked into silence. Like, what do you say to such a bizarre misappropriation of the language of anti-oppression work?

Here are my suggestions for how to deal with people who usurp activist language to justify their bullshit:

1. GIF party - when people are being absurd, sometimes the only logical and sane response is a lolcat

2. MEME party - similar to GIF party, but can also be done without pictures. Eg. - "What is this? I don't even"
3. Short answers, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." - unfortunately, while this is often the first response that comes to mind, it often leads the OP to demand that you "prove" what they said is false, inaccurate, misleading, batshit insane, etc. Sometimes that can be difficult in the moment, because their claims are just so bizarre that no rational breakdown rebuttal immediately comes to mind.
4. Post links stats and studies to the contrary - this can be helpful when you are so gobsmacked you can't formulate a response other than to point to someone else who has already laid out an eloquent response
5. Ask questions. This can be very helpful in getting over the initial "O_________O" response. Keep asking questions, like: "How exactly does recognizing and honouring the experiences of transgendered persons negatively affect you as a cis woman?", and "And you came to this conclusion how?" and "And how has denying and ignoring the existence of oppression helped women so far?" and even "Are you posting ironically? Because it's pretty bang-on if you're being facetious in order to highlight the absurdity of the claims of those who find it expedient to discount their own levels of privilege."
6. Take a break. I know that with discussions online, sometimes 5 minutes can feel like an eternity, and any time away from the topic can feel like the other side is "winning" by filling up the conversation with venom that echoes when not addressed. But, seriously, if you're gobsmacked or your face is turning red because you are so irate that someone could post something so offensive, it's ok to take a break. Often, with a bit of distance (even as short as 5-10 min) comes greater clarity in how to respond. And, in your absense, it's possible someone else will also chime in and put into words what you have been trying to express. Allies are awesome that way.
7. Stop responding. This may be counter-intuitive, but sometimes it can be very effective to let a ridiculous comment stand on its own without comment. Posts can echo, and sometimes the silence that follows can be more powerful than any other response.
8. Copy and paste. If you've been posting online about social justice issues for any length of time, chances are you've repeated yourself, and perhaps have repeated yourself so many times you can't be arsed to type the entire response out again. That's why I started updating a document with my most-common arguments. No sense reinventing the wheel. If people are going to keep lazily rehashing insults and out-dated arguments from a half-century ago, then you're allowed to repost something you said last week.
9. Build a group of allies. I've got a great collection of amazing people that I rely on as a sounding board and comic relief when dealing with these issues. Sometimes I'm too close to the issue or too upset to respond in a timely manner, so I go to them to see if they're able to respond, instead. It's not 100% assured someone is around to respond, but having people there to vent to helps regardless.

Now, I'm sure there are many other ways to address these types of arguments, and your mileage may vary on any and all of these suggestions. Whatever happens, know that you're not insane and, yes, they are really maliciously co-opting activist language, and yes, it really is fucking offensive. But at least you're not alone.



Taking up space

The following is cross-posted from the Damsel in de Tech blog. Click here to see the original.

One issue that I've seen crop up quite often, is who feels justified in taking up space.

Representation of the patriarchy? You be the judge.

Persons who have grown up facing various kinds and levels of oppression are often taught to diminish themselves, to shrink away, to not gather attention lest they incur the wrath of more outspoken privileged folk. Naturally, there are many exceptions to this, just as there are folks who have grown up with the benefit of every privilege out there who are quite shy and try their best to stay out of the spotlight.

This phenomenon often becomes apparent in popular traditional media, online social media, and in-person conversations. Really anywhere there are two or more people having a conversation, there's the opportunity for this dynamic to pop up of one person dominating the conversation for no better reason than they're louder and feel more entitled to having their opinion heard.

Part of my process with working on dealing with oppression against me and understanding how my privileges may contribute towards the oppressive status quo, has been to be more mindful of how often I speak up and when.

I'm boisterous at heart and can put my thoughts together quite eloquently, and so it's not infrequent that I will put myself and my ideas out there. I especially try to ensure that I stand up and am heard when there are other privileged folks dominating the conversation and spreading myths, stereotypes, and other fallacies that are harmful and oppressive. I do not want theirs to be the only voices heard, because I recognize that a lot more read/ overhear these conversations than contribute to them and because I want to lessen the potentially triggering effects of unchecked victim-blaming, etc.

That's one of the frustrating things about challenging people who have not checked their privilege. If you have no emotional investment in the issue, of course it's easier to speak up and keep blathering on with the same erroneous points even when given evidence to the contrary. If you're a physically-fit, cisgendered male, then of course it's easy for you to espouse how all women need to take self-defense classes to avoid rape, regardless of how problematic and victim-blaming your tone and approach is. If you've grown up with everything being given to you and never had to worry about where your next meal is coming from, of course it's easy to think of sex workers as being foolish to work on the street instead of indoors, or lazy for not finding other work, or deserving of being a target of assault for the situation "they've put themselves in".

As a slight aside, when one is commenting from the outside looking it, it's so easy to say with confidence that if they were in a particular situation, they'd know exactly what to do.

Protip: If you're about to tell someone you'd avoid being raped by turning into Rambo, you're not being as helpful as you may think. 

On the other side of the coin, I try to make sure that I'm not the one who is speaking over people whose voices need to be heard on an issue. As good as my intentions may be, if I see that there are other commentators who are addressing an issue, I try to step back and allow room for them.

Now, that's not to say that if someone identifies as a survivor of sexual violence that I'll give them a free pass to slut-shame or perpetuate rape myths or victim-blame. One can be a survivor and an abuser, or at least perpetuate problematic attitudes, all at once and I do think that needs to be addressed when it comes up. Allowing someone to spread toxic attitudes because of their past experiences neither helps them nor will change the culture that has facilitated the abuse against them.

Either way, whether I'm trying to put my voice out there to keep arrogant and wrong dudebros from taking over the space, or trying to ensure I'm not the one taking over to the detriment of the oppressed groups being discussed, or a combination thereof, it's a continual work in progress.

Despite my confidence in myself and my opinions and my education around anti-oppression work, it's not easy to keep putting myself out there in the face of all those people who feel no shame in their victim-blaming, rape apology, in gas lighting survivors, and derailing important conversations. It's taxing, it's tiring, it's frustrating, and some days I feel like I'm crawling uphill against an avalanche.

But, that's kind of proof that it's all the more necessary to keep taking back that space when it gets encroached upon by patriarchal caca doodie heads. Because, if I'm not lending my voice, then their ignorance and hatred will echo, and that's exactly what feminism and humanist activism aims to correct. It aims to change the prevailing tone from one of misogyny and rape culture into one of equality and consent culture.

When in doubt, bring in the lolcats.